Sunday, July 21, 2013

Start Again

I went to another vipassana retreat the other day. There were only 4 other women and 7 guys with 3 volunteers (1 guy, 2 ladies) and a Kiwi teacher. 

This time I felt a lot of energy that I felt like doing somersault every now and then. The food was great, much improved than the first session I had in Indonesia. 

To be honest, I went because I blew up at work about a week before. Not. Good. At. All. A client was pressuring this urgent thing and the guy who supposed to handle it didn't do much. That day he came and did nothing on the matter even though I told him it's urgent every day for a week. I had a report to write so I couldn't go and take care of it myself, plus at the end of that day I had to go out of town for several days. I asked him to do go nicely twice during the day, so it would be done by the end of the day. Until I lost it. Yes, I know: terrible. I'm ashamed of it. 

The aftermath of that episode was: he finally took care of it the next day and an hour before he finalized it, we lost that account. Oh, well.

I thought I would've felt more rage in my meditation, but I didn't. However, between meditation I wasn't at peace. I was scared, actually. Normally, while waiting for the nightly Indonesian discourse to finish (because the English discourse is shorter) I normally just walk around the yard and watch the city light from above. This time I just waited in front of the hall. I felt something is lurking in the dark. 

I know no meditation is the same, but this is the first time I was scared in that place. Even when I was trapped in the bathroom with a snake years ago I wasn't as scared like this time. 

Perhaps I need to confront my fear in the eye. Well, that and anger. Yupe, got a lot to do. 
Start again.. Work diligently. Work patiently and persistently.