Sunday, July 21, 2013

Start Again

I went to another vipassana retreat the other day. There were only 4 other women and 7 guys with 3 volunteers (1 guy, 2 ladies) and a Kiwi teacher. 

This time I felt a lot of energy that I felt like doing somersault every now and then. The food was great, much improved than the first session I had in Indonesia. 

To be honest, I went because I blew up at work about a week before. Not. Good. At. All. A client was pressuring this urgent thing and the guy who supposed to handle it didn't do much. That day he came and did nothing on the matter even though I told him it's urgent every day for a week. I had a report to write so I couldn't go and take care of it myself, plus at the end of that day I had to go out of town for several days. I asked him to do go nicely twice during the day, so it would be done by the end of the day. Until I lost it. Yes, I know: terrible. I'm ashamed of it. 

The aftermath of that episode was: he finally took care of it the next day and an hour before he finalized it, we lost that account. Oh, well.

I thought I would've felt more rage in my meditation, but I didn't. However, between meditation I wasn't at peace. I was scared, actually. Normally, while waiting for the nightly Indonesian discourse to finish (because the English discourse is shorter) I normally just walk around the yard and watch the city light from above. This time I just waited in front of the hall. I felt something is lurking in the dark. 

I know no meditation is the same, but this is the first time I was scared in that place. Even when I was trapped in the bathroom with a snake years ago I wasn't as scared like this time. 

Perhaps I need to confront my fear in the eye. Well, that and anger. Yupe, got a lot to do. 
Start again.. Work diligently. Work patiently and persistently.    


colson said...

Fear? You?


You didn't loose it, in stead he ( may have) got it. And well deserved, reading your account.

A colleague who doesn't listen to sense, needs a hearing aid or very loud hard talk. So, generally speaking, blasting someone for letting you down and fucking up his job in the process, is nothing to worry about. Period.

T.A. said...

I do hope you are right, as he is a friend of one of the partners. I asked one of my eldest colleagues, he said that the new bloke is not easy to talk to, like he not always understands what we are talking about, and he could see why I was frustrated. It was my first melt down. Hope also my last.

TA said...

Hmm.. I think I lost my comment on this one.

yeah, I just don't like losing my cool at the office.