Tuesday, October 25, 2011

On Motherhood

I was barely 20 years old when I asked my mom how she would feel if I dont have any kids just to test the water. She thought about it before saying, 'If you cant have one, it's ok.' 'What if I dont want to have one?' I pressed her. 'If you are able to have one, why wouldnt you? There are plenty of people out there who really want to have kids but they couldnt.' she asked me back. 'What if I want to work, and I dont like the idea of some stranger takes care of my child? That child is supposed to be under my responsibility. Do you want to help me raise that child?' I responded. My mom said no but still think that I should have one if I was able. We've practically never touched that subject again.

When asked whether I want to have a child, my answer is it depends with whom. I could picture some of my ex-es as the father of my kids, but honestly, some of the others I have a bit problem picturing it. With one of the guys we discussed about it and I told him, if it was possible I would probably quit working at the office the first year and work part-time or work from home later on until they begin their school. With the other guy, we discuss the possibility of adopting and how to raise our kid since we came from different cultures. Interesting enough, it was almost always the guys who brought up the subject of having kids.

The other day I was at the hospital waiting for my appointment, when I saw this 12 days old sleeping baby on its mother's lap. I couldnt help but starring at the baby sleeping so peacefully like there's no problem in the world. I remember asking myself if I want a baby.

Faced with biological clock and some health issues, to be honest I dont put my hope high on having kids of my own. Yes, we can turn to IVF, but I dont think that's something I want. The way I see it, it'll be great to have children of our own, but it's ok if it's not. I dont want to succumb under social pressure of having kids. If one day I decided to adopt someone, I dont want to adopt for my own sake, but for the kid(s) sake because there are plenty of people out there who are not supposed to have kids yet keep having them.


H. Nizam said...

I agree that if parents want to have kids they must be fully responsible for the kid.
Like you said a mother of a baby should take full care of the baby until it is old enough to go to school.

colson said...

Being a man I hesitate to be as opinionated on this issue as I usual am..

However it is clear pregnancy is not a female obligation or duty. It is a choice.

My daughter did choose to abandon the idea of having children.It was a decision which wasn't easy - it ended in a divorce.

First of all having or not having children is a woman's decision ultimately. And if in her opinion conditions are not right whe is right to say no. Health is a very important one among those conditions of course. Whether it is about the women or the prospect of the child's health.

Another one may be that she feels no strong inclination to children and child-raising. Lacking that inclination is I think also a reason to say no. If only for the sake of the child.

Anyhow it is a difficult issue. And actually I think nobody but the partner can be of some help to take the best decision.

Aprianti said...

Having kids is a big decision that comes with a great responsibility. Some people have misguidedly chosen to have kids only to follow the norm of society, usually ended up leaving the nurturing tasks fully to baby sitters or domestic helpers because they actually don’t want to sacrifice their precious time and energy.

For me, I don’t mind if my daughters one day decide not to have kids of their own. Seeing my daughters not having kids is more bearable than seeing my future grandchildren (gosh, I feel old) being raised in an unhappy environment.

triesti said...

@harry, They say the first 5 years is the foundation, I would love to be hands on around that period.

@Colson, in this part of the world I have this feeling that being pregnant is a duty and propose of a woman.

@aprianti thanks for your input