The View

..from my bed last weekend. Not bad, huh? I meant the view.. I know the pic sucks.

Thoughts While Waiting At Airport

They say, because I have pain, it mostly means I dont have cancer.

Which is good.

They say, they pay attention each time they find calcium.

Which is not good.

They say, it looks not normal.

which is not good.

They say, we need this observe it in case it's cancerous

which is not good.

Am I hypochondriac if I am a bit worried hearing and seeing their findings?

Would thinking it not cancerous makes it not cancerous?

Have to go back in 3 months time.

Not looking forward to that one.

In Out

For ten days I spent hours in a tiny room as big as an Islamic grave: 2m*1m*2.5m. I sat there in the dark, breathing. In. Out. In. Out. Observing my body's sensations.

Every now and then my monkey mind jumped from one branch to the next. Angry, painful, dark, and dirty thoughts. In. Out. In. Out. Back to the breathing & sensations it brings.

On the 6th day I started to see the brighter side of things again. In. Out. In. Out. My smile is back. Genuine smile.

On the 9th day my body felt so light and full of energy. I felt like skipping and jumping all the time. I sat there, breathing in the dark. In. Out. In. Out. Every single cell in me is smiling widely. Happily.

I came out with a heart full of love, ready to face to world one breath at a time. In. Out.

Everything is Going to be OK

Back in 2009, someone I used to admire broke me. Amongst other things according to her, I had to accept being treated like a door mat and my late father (who was anything but helpful to her and her whole family) was a monster.

It still hurts, but much less than before. At first I chose not to say anything and swallowed the consequences of my choice of helping her, but after so much abuse in the end it put me lower and lower into this place where I lost myself.

Each time I heard something negative about me, I reminded myself that warm afternoon back in NL when this stranger stopped and told me that she had this message for me: Everything is going to be OK. It seems like an ordinary event. However, to me it was surreal.

That morning I got my one way ticket to Jakarta for the next week. The sheer finality of it panicked me. I wasnt sure I would survived Jakarta. On the way back to the house I thought to myself: If a perfect stranger told me that everything is going to be ok, I'll believe it.

In that afternoon, on my way back from visiting a friend I saw this lady biking rather fast with her toddler to the opposite direction of where I was heading. About 5 minutes later I heard someone called from behind me, "Mevrouw! Ma'am!" I was alone so I stopped and turned around. That biking lady was approaching me looking a bit flushed. She said she was already far away when she got a message for me, so she started to turn around and looking for me. I found it strange. What message? From whom?

"I dont know what's going on with you, but I have to tell you that everything is going to be ok." said the lady. I was shocked. I actually got even more panic than I was in the morning!

Sensing that I was panicking, she asked if I have g_d in my heart. I said I did. She proceeded, "So, you know that He loves you, just remember that and sterkte, be strong." Then she left, just as quick as she came.

Yes, everything is going to be OK.

And it started to look even great.

For a Season, a Reason and a Lifetime.

When I was fortunate enough to have an audience with Bhante Uttamo he mentioned that we had enough good karma for us to finally meet that day. Come to think of it, I agree with him. I wanted to see him ever since I moved back here, and last month was the first time it happened.

I guess somewhere along the way, I must've done something good that I met some interesting people. As with any thing in this life, I know each relationship will end sooner or later. The question is how will it end. Some people were there for a brief moment in my life just enough to teach me something (eventho at times, when something bad happened I had trouble seeing it as a teachable moment), some people lingered for a bit longer, and I can feel some will be there for a long time in my life.

Some were there supporting me during my bad patches, and I thank them for it. Some were there sharing my good times, and I thank them for it, for not all people are happy for us when we have good fortune. Honestly, sometimes when someone had difficulty accepting my good fortune, while the same person had no trouble hanging out with me during my rough period, I wonder if that person is a real friend. I know some wise person said that a friend in need is a friend indeed. However, I found that for some, it's easier for them to be around someone less fortunate than them because it makes them feel better, than to be around someone more fortunate than them because it makes them feel worse about themselves. Around losers you feel like a prince.

I am not always be a good friend, sometimes I get caught up in my own little world and forgetting to keep in touch. Depending on the person, sometimes I let them be during their rough patches and just observing from a far in case they want to communicate. With others I try being present through out their ordeal, eventho it means only via internet. All I can do is to give to the best of my limited ability at that time. Perhaps my way is not good enough for them, but it's ok, each has their own needs. And if in order to fulfill that need from other person we grew apart, it's just life.

When that happen, just remember this: What ever I've given you, I gave it with love and you can keep it. What ever you've given me, I will treasure it.